Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I am not gone folks

I am not gone folks. I got a bit diverted temporarily, and in that process had a minor breakdown. I checked myself in to a mechanic. I might need a long over due oil change, a new pair of clutch, minor electrical works and if I have some money left over a set of new tires – hopefully the old legendary MRF Nylon grip, the ones with muscle.

I must go now. Be back soon.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

When Harry met cockroach

The Joseph story is deja vu. My friend Sujith and Jacob may remember this. Few years ago, a few of us friends went to a movie from college. Half way into the second half, there were some minor skirmishes near where our friend Harry (fake name) sat, which soon developed into a major melee. There was pushing and shouting and beating and next thing I know I was sitting in fetal position in the back seat of Jacob’s Ambassador car cruising away from the theater at 80 kmph. There was an eerie silence in the car. I had to wait till the following morning to know what had happened.

Harry was sitting behind two girls. While the girls were immersed watching the movie, Harry was feeling their plump buttocks with his bare toes. Girls begged him to stop, Harry played deaf. The girls exchanged seats. Harry exchanged legs. One of the girls tried to hit him (remember the skirmishes?), Harry happily rejoiced. Finally tired and hurt the girls called in their brothers.

The next morning, the brothers showed up with an army of thugs and gathered around Harry’s room. After some tense moments the hostel elders managed to sent them away. That evening after the smoke cleared, and the dust settled we asked Harry why he did what he did. With a cute smile he explained his innocence which I remember vividly to this day : “Eda, athu njaan oru pattaye kollan nokkiyathu alley” (I was trying to kill a cockroach).

Joseph of Thodupuzha

Here is a clipping from today's malayalam newspaper.

I would like to believe Joseph here, simply because of the laws of physics and aeronautical nuances involved. Think about it; the plane was flying 45 degree inclined, there was a heavy gravitational pull from the front seat, the pilot had just turned off the lights which rendered the cabin a romantic candle lit ambiance, it was slightly misty outside, there was an inviting scent of Channel#5 imperial perfume in the first class section. In that moment of acquiescence and transcendence there might have been a gentle touch, a soft stroke of passion, a cute wink, a soft peck, Gggrrrrrrrr.
You can’t blame the minister for that.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Try this

I went to bed at 2AM last night, thanks to the boat load of assignments due on 28th. Around 3:00 I woke up because the little guy was twitching and rolling in his sleep next to me. He was running a feeble temperature from his vaccination shot yesterday. I watched him in the moonlight that seeped in through the partially open shades . God! for all the hell he gives me, the kid looked so innocent. I resisted my temptation to reach out and wake him up. He twitched and moaned and breathed heavily. I wondered who he was fighting in his sleep!

Suddenly he murmured something indistinctly, and sat upright with his little dreamy eyes wide open.
I rubbed his hairs and asked “Bad dream?”
He looked at me and said "No" and paused and continued “Daddy I want to do something”
“It is 3 O’clock at night. Sleepy time. Go back to sleep”
“No, I want to do something” he said.
I noticed his lips dry, and asked if he wanted some water.
“Yes” he nodded
I gave him a sip of water. “Thank you daddy” he said, and promptly went back to sleep. But I didn’t. I sat by his side and watched him sleep in the moonlight that was still seeping in through the window.

Go watch your little monster child sleep. It is the most wonderful experience you will ever have. The more you watch the more wonderful it gets, to a point that it becomes almost heavenly. Look at a sleeping child, and you will know what I am saying. Try it!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Google Earth and Jayalalitha’s ass

Just noticed the new Google Earth update. Hey, there is my home! In the teeming metropolis of Thonnakkal, Trivandrum. Notice that? We are protected from Osama bin Laden by the great Arabian sea on the west, Western Ghats to the east, LTTE on the south and by the royal state of Quilon to the north. I can also see Mr.VS Achuthanandan ruling our state with unbridled animosity from his own Comrades

Good news from Afghanistan. A project is underway in Bamyan Afghanistan, to put back together from the rubbles the giant statue of Buddha that was destroyed by the crazed animals called Talibans. The part that I loved most is the fact that the project is initiated by the local people

After I tore my shoulder muscles lifting weights, my doctor advised me not to lift heavy weights. After a 6 months hiatus I am back in the weight lifting circuit. Today morning I stacked up 4 (small) plates and was bench pressing while two scar-faced north Indian looking guys gave me a ridiculing look. Hugely hurt and embarrassed I stopped 'pressing benches', stepped aside and hit the showers. While I was about to exit the gym I saw one of them at the weights, straining, trying to lift a mother load of stacked up steel plates. I sincerely hope that he strain hard enough and stain his underwear. I hope he wet his bed tonight too.

Yesterday I came down with some severe allergy. My nostrils swelled up like Jayalalitha’s ass. I called my smart and handsome doctor to get an appointment. The assistant to my smart and handsome doctor informed me that he is booked up and the earliest appointment she can work me in is on Sept 6th (that is 3 weeks away). This is the same practitioner who told me to apply Tiger balm when I went to him with a torn shoulder muscle six months ago. I took her offer and am really looking forward to seeing my smart and handsome on Sept 6th. Till then, I hope Jayalalitha’s ass will stay put and not flare up further and kill me.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Bread, Butter, Milk, Omlette

I have not been spending much time with Sriram these days. So while his mother was away I decided to take him out for some serious male bonding. During our rendezvous I tell him stories – little things, like things that happened to me, or people I know or lessons I learned etc. Today I decided to tell him the things I learned from my high school physics teacher.

Vasudevan sir was one of my favorite teachers in school. I still remember his strong hands and broad shoulders. There are rumors abound that he could tear a 200 page book by half, tear the halves again, stack up the pieces and tear it one more time – with his bare hands. He was tough like a block of steel. Nevertheless his heart was full of love and kindness for us. The lesson that I told Sriram, which I learned from him was this –
It is okay to make mistakes, so long as you admit those, and only a fool would repeat his mistakes.
Lesson number 2 –
Trust everyone, until they give you a reason not to trust them.

There is a very funny story that I remember about him. It was Vasudevan sir’s routine to randomly pick someone and ask questions on topics taught the previous day. If you failed his quiz he would ridicule you by asking questions such as:
“Oh you forgot to learn. But did you forget to eat last night?”
“Did you forget to finish your beef curry yesterday?”
“Did you eat kaala kolambu?”
That was his way of punishing us. Poor kids, we could do nothing but hang our heads in shame.

One time we had a new Punjabi girl, our headmaster’s daughter, who joined our class. This headmaster was a Major in the Army. So the daughter naturally was quite sophisticated. The girl was a tiny bit too mature for her age (literally and figuratively).I would be withholding sensitive information if I don’t tell you that she was sweet, bubbly, enthusiastic, talkative and had all the positive qualities one would expect from a army major’s daughter from Punjab.

It was her second day in class. As usual Vasudevan sir got into his quizzing mood. After finishing with the usual suspects he turns to the new girl.
“What is refraction?” he caught her off guard.
“I don’t know sir” she said sincerely.
“What is angle of incidence“
“I don’t know sir”
she admitted shamelessly.
One could tell that Vasudevan sir was really irritated with her ‘coolness’ and by the tone of her ‘defiance’. The class went silent. We were all on the edge of our wooden chairs eagerly waiting to witness what happened next. I saw my friend Jaipaul secretly rubbing his finger nails hoping for the plot to thicken. It was time for her to be asked if she ate “Kaala Kolambu” and that – ladies and gentleman- is exactly what happened.
Vasudevan sir took a step towards her and asked:
“Did you eat beef last night?”
“No sir”
She said
“Do you know if you ate breakfast today morning” He asked
“Yes sir, I ate breakfast today”
“Do you know what you ate for breakfast today”

Clearly unaware of the sarcasm the girl answered in queens Punjabi accent.
“Breeeead, Butteeeeer, Meeelk, Omleeette”
Vasudevan sir stopped for a fraction, and then burst into a fit of laughter.

Friday, August 11, 2006

A middle east peace proposal

The Israel-Palestine issue is entangled in a never ending cycle of aggression and violence. While violence takes birth from despair and sadness, aggression has its roots deeply entrenched in fear and uncertainty. Suicide bombers killing Israeli civilians and Israeli bombers killing Muslim civilians will only add to more despair, sadness, fear and uncertainty – which is what got them into this madness to begin with.

To achieve a lasting peace, one must solve the underlying issues. The people of Palestine must be able to leave a decent life one filled with hope for their children and respect for their society and way of living. The people of Israel must be able to live with out uncertainty and fear. A day must dawn when they can send their children with out fearing people wearing Reebok jackets with wires hanging out.

With that in mind here is a crazy proposal.

United Nations, Oil rich Arab states and Western nations must help build schools, hospitals, roads, public utility systems and institutions of higher learning that will completely change the lives of Palestinians. Children should learn so they will have a bright tomorrow.

Multinational Corporations must setup small factories in Palestine, so people can work there. Imagine GE making light bulbs, Nokia making hand sets, Rubbermaid making plastic ware and Pfiser making cold medicine in that small region. This will create a vibrant economy and provide a decent livelihood for these people.

One of the key issues driving Israeli aggression is that of demography. Jews should come to grip with the fact that one day they WILL be minorities in their Israel. Their only alternative is to get on the good foot and do the bad thing. Jack up your production lines, produce more Jews. Other than that do what ever is it that you do to and continue to innovate, do business and win Nobel prices.

Palestinians must stop support for terrorism. Don’t get carried away by propaganda. Give the warlords and terrorists a chance to reform. If they don’t heed, drag them off and shoot.

I saved the best for the last - The center piece of my proposal is this - Time of India and Malayala Manorama should start a join venture in middle east, so young men don’t have to blow themselves up for the virgins.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Joyful Three Days

I had the most joyful days in my recent history last week. I was in New York to visit a couple of friends from School. It was 16 years since we met. We were wondering how we would recognize each other. We all exchanged photos and decided that in the worst case we would walk around Penn station with our birth marks exposed. I have a nice mole on my buttocks, so I was all exited about the proposal.

The three days was the most fun I had in a long, long, long time. In all the three days, I hardly slept for over 3 hours each day for we had sixteen years of catching up to do. But still, when I came back home I felt light and refreshed, like I was just back from a vacation to India. There is something about your childhood friends that is soothing and refreshing that you just can’t replace.

(Sankari, my friend Sukesh’s daughter was too ready to pose for me)

I was solo on this trip, so I had some good convincing to do to my bitter half. I told her that man is essentially a hunter and hunting solo is a natural male behavior that needs to be encouraged. A night out hanging out with other hunters and staying “hydrated” can foster a more peaceful and relaxing atmosphere at home. Nothing can rekindle a relationship better than the male animal being away for a while. It is also a great time to clean the house too.

Saturday, August 05, 2006


My good friend Iqlas just published his first book – “Avan Ibilees”. It is a collection of eight short stories. Iqlas has been writing stories in prominent magazines like Kala Kaumudi, Malayalam and Mathrubhumi for a while now. His book is available at Puzha.com. I wish Iqlas all the best in his literary career and one day hope to see him win the Jnaanapeedom.

I must shamelessly ask him for a free lunch for the publicity. May be I should tell him about the new ‘Crazy Buffet’ place where I heard they serve frog legs and lobsters. Mmhh.. Next week is the mini marathon. So that wont be bad for a post marathon lunch.

Friday, August 04, 2006


Here is a beautiful rendition of Padmanapha Pahi by the great great TN Seshagopalan.

Here is the same by Neyyattingkara Vasudevan

Could'nt resist posting this.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Her Highness

The other day I noticed a shiny Porsche GT2 on my rear view mirror. It was a topless convertible on oversized Michelin tires. I noticed it because the car was approaching like a rocket behind me, with a nice jet trail and all. I thought the guy driving that must either be Mel Gibson (drunk and doped up) or a silicon valley CEO driving his wife to an emergency room.

I stopped at the next red light when the rocket came to a screeching halt right adjacent to me, smoking the tires and all. You could cut the smoke with a pairing knife. I strained my neck and took a peek through the clouds. I couldn’t believe what I saw.
It was not Mel Gibson.
It was not a CEO driving his wife to a labor room.
It was a woman.
A young woman.
A young Indian woman.
A young south Indian woman.
A young south Indian woman in silk burgundy saree, gold ear rings and a blindingly shiny diamond nose stud. She looked too stunning to be piloting a GT2.

I got carried away and started salivating all over the steering wheel. I don’t know how she found out that I was looking, but she DID find out that I was looking. She turned and looked at me like I was a minor jerko and gave me THAT SMILE. I felt like a fool. I turned blue and the light turned green. By the time I stepped on my accelerator the GT2 disappeared like a bullet.
I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it.

I only hope it was her highness Srinija Srinivasan. Or I be damned.