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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Drug free zeros, Drug induced heros

Poor Barry Bonds! They have been shamelessly ‘walking’ him for the last few games now. The curmudgeons in the media are driving him into seclusion for his alleged drug use. I, like the San Francisco police, have been waiting impatiently to watch the bedlam unfold after he hit that home run to level Babe Ruth’s record. It is something like our Gavaskar’s 28th test century. Poor Bonds. Looks like they made him lost his mojo.

Why is drug a taboo? And why not make it legal? In my opinion, every sportsman, sportswomen and athlete, must be allowed to feast on an assortment of the finest performance enhancing drugs available. Let the best drug infused, knocked-out, bulge-eyed, watermelon testicled, hunk muscled superman win. After all, sports is an amusement and professional athletes are paid millions to entertain us. Fans, who pay insane amounts of money on tickets, deserve nothing but the very best. I don’t want to spent Rs.500 to watch Lady Ganguly bowled out on the very first ball, neither do I want to see her skirting around making 12 runs off 97 balls. I want Ganguly to perform like a firecracker. I want the babe to perform like a porn star on rocket fuel. If it takes performance-enhancing drugs to make that happen then so be it.


We are getting accustomed to mediocrity. We become euphoric and loose control when the princess of Calcutta score a four, or Mahendra Dhoni hit a sixer. Imagine the prospects of hitting the ball from Eden Gardens across the Howra Bridge out to the Bay of Bengal. Imagine Ben Jhonson’s clone finishing a 100 meter dash in 6 seconds. Imagine Sergee Bubka knocking down a news helicopter attempting to better his own previous record. Imagine Muhammed Ali and Mike Tyson feasting on each other’s organs while exchanging punches for a whole day. Imagine Mohinder Amruthnath intimidating Sir. Bradman with seamers averaging 400 miles per hour. That is the power of drugs.

The benefits of steroids are clear like crystal meth. So why ban it ? Besides, however hard they enforce the ban, there are smart people who find ingenious ways to get around it. I don’t want South Africans to ‘have an edge’ and beat us in another one-day match. I don’t want our pool girl Karnam Malleswari to finish 3rd place to drug induced Chinese and Koreans. Let us level the playing field.

So, in the spirit of sportsmanship, I request governments across the world to make the magic powder legal. I want to see Ganguly build some muscle like Martina Navartilova and Mariam Johns. I want to see our baby grow some mustache and chest hair and intimidate the crap out of Inzamam Ul Haq. More importantly, as a fan, I want my moneys worth.

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